This is something that has bothered me for awhile...I've tried giving it over to God, but because of my constant need to keep control, I haven't been successful. So this is my attempt to get it out and let it go.
Often when I am with a group of women, most of them are married with children of various ages. When the topic comes to the weekend or free time, I've heard the following more times than I can count, "Oh, that sounds nice, it's because you aren't married and don't have kids." My smart-ass self wants to respond, "Thanks for pointing out the obvious and throwing it back in my face." My usual response is to sweetly let them know my schedule and gladly offer to trade with them. This worked a lot more when I was coaching, teaching and going to school. Now that I am finished with school and I am no longer coaching, I will admit, I have much more free time.
My reasons for not liking this statement are two-fold...
1. It makes you SEEM incredibly ungrateful for the blessings you have, in my eyes. I know many parents who have had to bury their children due to losing a battle with cancer. I'm sure they would gladly get back those weekends where you have birthday parties, athletic practices/games, shopping trips, making meals, having sleepovers and all the other activities parents do for their children on a daily basis. And honestly, would you really trade your weekend with your family for my weekend of doing nothing? I don't think so.
2. My second reason is you don't know how that person feels about the fact that they aren't married and/or don't have children. You may be talking to a person who wants nothing more to be a wife an mother and it just has not happened for them yet. You may be talking to someone who feels like a failure because she wasn't married by age 26 like the majority of her friends, who feels like she isn't good enough for her dream to come true. You may be talking to someone who is married, but is having trouble conceiving and is going through a very personal struggle, someone who would give up everything she had to naturally have a child with her husband.
I know this comment is not made with malice or meant to hurt, but people often keep their struggles quiet, especially when you aren't close to others or you feel like others don't understand. You don't know what people would give up to have those busy weekends filled to the brim with children. I'm sure after a weekend where you didn't get as much rest as you needed, it sounds great to sleep in and not really do anything. I'm sure you have weekends where you want to pull your hair out because your children are driving you crazy, I'm not naive enough to think that having kids is all sunshine and roses. I'm sure you need a break from being a mom and you should have one when you need it. All I am asking is that you think before you make statements to people.
I agree that people should be more aware of what they say and I'm sure it's not intended to hurt you. I'm often one to speak of how difficult it is to be a mother. I would be furious if a friend told me I was being ungrateful because I haven't lost a child. We never struggled to conceive but we struggled to adopt Callie. But just because you don't struggle to have children or you haven't lost a child doesn't mean you don't deserve the right to vent to a friend about the difficulties of motherhood.
ReplyDeleteI don't think you can truly understand either side of the coin unless you've been there. I believe as women we should in general be more understanding of one another and more supportive.
Good post!
Lindsay, I agree, we all need to be more supportive of each other!
ReplyDeleteOh, hun - I could have written this - a couple hundred times! I think going through our challenges makes us more sensitive to the plights of others. I know I think alot more before speaking, having been on the receiving end of comments no one intended to hurt me, but burned all the same. Praying for you!
ReplyDeletePS - yes, I can teach you how to knit! Fun & easy!
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